Not a day goes by without some new controversy emerging in the field of psychotherapy. This week brought a particularly troubling trend into sharp focus. Between debating online whether therapists should eat snacks during sessions, a far more sinister conversation has been unfolding.
The Southport murderer, recently sentenced in the UK for the heinous, remorseless killing of three little girls at a Taylor Swift dance class, has sparked a wave of commentary from therapists. Shockingly, some are calling on the public to empathize with this man—to view his actions through the lens of his own presumed pain and childhood wounds, invoking the refrain, “hurt people hurt people.” The argument goes that if we could set aside our fear and anger, we might have curiosity to better prevent such atrocities in the future.
This is a step too far.
It is profoundly insensitive to the grieving families and the devastated community to shift the focus away from the victims and toward the killer. To ask people to feel empathy for the perpetrator, rather than acknowledging and honoring the intense grief, outrage, and trauma of the victims and their loved ones, is not only manipulative—it is harmful. This subtle redirection of focus from victim to perpetrator, however well-meaning, is what can be referred to as toxic empathy.
What Is Toxic Empathy?
Toxic empathy describes a distorted response where someone identifies with another person’s pain so intensely that they prioritize that person’s needs and feelings above all else—sometimes even at the expense of their own wellbeing. This kind of over-identification is common among those who’ve grown up in abusive or manipulative environments.
It becomes a coping mechanism: minimizing the pain caused by others, rationalizing violations, and suppressing protective emotions like anger to maintain a precarious sense of safety. The inner monologue might sound like:
• “Well, she lashed out because she’s grieving.”
• “I probably was talking too much.”
• “It’s true, I didn’t ask how his day was.”
This leads to a blurring of appropriate boundaries and a confusion of the natural, healthy emotional responses to harm. Instead of feeling protective anger or establishing firm boundaries, the person suppresses their emotions to avoid conflict or the deeper reality of abuse.
The Misapplication of Empathy in the Southport Case
It was shocking to hear therapists, of all people, publicly calling on others to empathize with the Southport killer. While it’s true that understanding criminal behavior is critical for prevention, there is a critical distinction between understanding and excusing—or redirecting focus inappropriately.
Anger and condemnation are healthy, appropriate responses to the murder of three innocent children. Asking the public to empathize with the killer in the immediate aftermath of such a horrific event is akin to asking a victim of abuse to feel compassion for their abuser. No responsible therapist would ever do this. We know that for a victim to heal, they need clarity about what happened, validation of their emotions, and the space to feel protective anger—not guilt, confusion, or doubt about their natural response.
When therapists suggest otherwise, they risk confusing people about their own healthy emotions and boundaries. This is dangerous. It keeps victims stuck in shame and self-doubt and undermines their ability to heal and reclaim their lives.
The Reality of Dangerous Criminals
Those of us who work seriously with psychopathology understand that empathy alone is not a solution for preventing crime. The idea that we can empathize a psychopath or child abuser into rehabilitation is magical thinking, and we have decades of research to prove it.
The reality is that some people are dangerous and must be removed from society for the common good. Our job as mental health professionals is to recognize this, not to gaslight grieving communities into believing their fear and anger are somehow misplaced or unhelpful.
The failings surrounding the Southport killer are many, but the greatest was that those who recognized how dangerous he was were not able to intervene to protect the innocents around him. Redirecting blame toward the public’s supposed “fear-based” response to such crimes is profoundly unhelpful and deeply insensitive to a country grieving the loss of young, innocent lives.
Empathy Must Have Boundaries
Empathy is a powerful tool, but like any tool, it must be applied appropriately. Misused, it can become toxic—clouding judgment, undermining intuition, and silencing the voices of victims.
The call to empathize with the Southport killer is not only misplaced but harmful. It invalidates the righteous grief and anger of the victims’ families and the broader community, all while promoting confusion over what a healthy emotional response looks like.
Now, more than ever, therapists must remember that our role is to help people heal—not to ask them to twist themselves into knots of misplaced compassion. Sometimes, the most empathetic thing we can do is to hold space for grief and anger, allowing these emotions to guide the way toward appropriate action, safety and healing.